Finding the Missing Piece
by Shanti Dewi, Cecilia
12 May 2018
When our lives are in order, all good and comfortable, most of us just chill and move on day by day. Some are not quite content and feel that there is still something missing. We are not speaking of the physical body; it is something else, deep within.
And then there is this quite familiar phenomenon, that when things start to go really bad and there seems to be no solutions or any way out, we start looking for answers or help not from this physical world. We pray. We go on a journey, near or far, to seek out someone or something that can bring us some answers, that can make things right. The worse a problem gets, the more desperate we want to believe that there is something out there, beyond what we can see and understand, that holds the power to banish our misery.
I suppose I’ve been through both situations. Only by attending to what is deep inside of me, was I finally able to make things right, or at least to understand and accept what was happening to me and around me. So, what is this thing deep inside of me? I now know that it is my soul, my spirit. It is quite complicated to attend to something that we can’t see. How do we know it is well taken care of? My personal answer to that is the feeling of peace and awareness… when my heart no longer feels squeezed, when my head is no longer too full of scattered thoughts, when I don’t feel constant worries, when I know what is happening.
When I was little, my life was all good. My family was not rich, but we were comfortable and quite happy. I had everything I needed, school, comfort, safety, food, friends, home, and a good family. I had a religion too. It taught me all the good stuff and the consequences of being bad, just like in other religions. It gave me a sense of peace, knowing that if I did good, I would not get into trouble. But, I wasn’t aware; there was a lack of understanding. I just followed certain boundaries set by the society where I grew up and by the teachings of both school and religion. Growing up, I felt there was something else I wanted, not for my body; I was healthy and provided for. That feeling of missing something… I couldn’t quite describe it. Something was hollow somewhere; it didn’t make sense. A human being couldn’t be hollow. This feeling never went away although at times there were enough distractions to make me forget for awhile. By the time I completed high school, I could not really ignore the questions that kept popping up in my mind. And yet, I could not really search for the answers, or rather, I was afraid to search for them. I had an idea that I might have to look somewhere outside my religion… outside any religion; however, I understood from all those early teachings that whatever I was looking for might be sinful.
For many years that followed, I did not dare to ‘search’ for the answers to my questions. I did nothing but slow down on my religious practices as I found it lacking something. Until at last, I came to a situation where I could no longer hide behind the confines of religious teachings. I went to search for answers, and I found an entry way to a lighted path. I was in my early forties.
Someone once told me, that what we learn in our religion is the foundation for understanding a higher purpose, a greater good, if we are ever fortunate enough to find the way to get there. In this modern day, the path to find that higher purpose is what I would call spirituality. One cannot contribute to a higher purpose if he or she is not spiritually ready because it is beyond what practical human minds can grasp. However, like science, spirituality can swing both ways, good or bad. This path to a higher purpose looks narrow and slippery to me. If not watchful, it is easy to fall into the darker sides, which what religions would probably call ‘sin’.
Now that I have found an entry way to this lighted path, I start to believe in a higher purpose, that each of us is a part of something grand. I cannot yet completely understand how it works or what it is exactly, but I intend to walk that path and find out. To my surprise, my first steps have made me understand the teachings of my religion better; they make more sense. I have much more conviction. Things I wasn’t able to accept, I can now accept. Things I once struggled to believe, they now make sense. Things I would otherwise blame, I recognize them as important lessons.
Is my life so much better? Yes, I am more at peace.
Am I now happier? Most definitely.
Is my life without problems now? Now, that would be asking for too much. I still face problems just like any other individuals, but I can handle them much better.
Have I found what was hollow? I have identified one and will find ways to make it whole.
This is only the beginning of my spiritual journey, and I am loving it. It makes me a much better version of myself.
I owe all this to my spiritual guardians who have always been with me. I couldn’t see them. I still can’t see them, but I am now more aware of the messages they try to communicate to me.
I am forever thankful to The Golden Space for embracing me and facilitating this stage of my spiritual journey.